There's just something so thrilling about a crookedly-applied prosthetic fang or an ill-conceived CG-Eyeball or an awkward egomaniac in a ruffled blouse that just sets my pulse a-pounding. Watching a shitty vampire movie is like engaging in an endurance test. The endorphin rush of having survived "Queen of the Damned" is probably a bit like making it all the way through a Sun Dance--sure you're bleeding from every pore and you kind of want to die, but ultimately your nipples are probably intact and you've become a man. Or... something like that.
I wonder if there's some kind of medal (hopefully with a creepy looking black cross on it--fingers crossed!) for cinematic survival. If so, I've surely earned it with my many forays into trashy vampires.
A Brief Selection of Self-Inflicted Vampire Film Injuries
- "Dracula 3000," which combines two questionable tastes that always bring me running: Udo Kier and vampires (the whole "in space" thing should've tipped me off to this being a bad, dangerous idea, though). As a pal observerd, Mr. Kier could've played his entire role pantsless, as he just appeared as a talking head on a screen. In fact, if you think about Udo Kier acting pantslessly, the film is almost watchable. At least for a couple of minutes.
- "Vegas Vampires" has Fred Williamson and vampires. Also a cast of people known only by single names like "Rio" and "Kurupt," probably for Plausible Deniability purposes. I seriously think Fred Williamson included Richard Roundtree in the cast just to take him down a peg for making Shaft a cooler character than Tommy Gibbs.
- I sometimes watch "Van Helsing" the way people engage in the Two Minute Hate in Orwell's "1984." Check it out--I even made a cartoon dedicated to my loathing of this film:
- My most recent horrible vampire film watch was "Gothic Vampires from Hell." Yeah, fuckers--roll THAT one around on your tongue for a while. THEN get ready to learn that the plot concerns a battle of the bands between rival gothic rock groups. AND that the soundtrack contains songs by *actual* gothic rock bands, which are meant to be the songs of the *fictional* bands. It's pretty much an orgy of lip-synching and poorly-applied eyemakeup. In fact, I think I probably have a lot more to say about this movie.
Yes, folks--vampires can do far worse than sparkle. Take me at my word. I've fallen into a K-Hole of vampire krazee and I just can't escape!
17 comments:
I think "Scars of Dracula" ruined all other vampire films for me. I don't think Lee said five words in it.
Whatever happened to "Lesbian Vampire Hunters"? Did that ever make it to the States? (sorry, that is enabling)?
Those MS Paint illustrations sure do bring back memories!
If you're the type of masochist I've always suspected you are, here are a few more vampire titles with which to flagellate yourself:
The Vampire Journals (brought to you by the fine folks who did Subspecies, but with fully half the charm!)
Embrace of the Vampire/The Nosferatu Diaries (notorious for the topless Alyssa Milano scenes, but also worthy for the art school = slutty theme)
Vampire in Brooklyn (to put this simply: Eddie Murphy)
OK, I just want to point out that Dracula is calling RAINN. Kate, you are brilliant.
Darius, you are TOTALLY enabling me. I'm going to need to track that one down, against my loftier impulses. It's three excellent words packaged into a beautiful concept, really.
Jack, I've SEEN "Vampire Journals!" I think I saw all of the Full Moon vampire offerings. I stand by my assessment that the first "Subspecies" is actually a good movie. I... am unsure as to whether even *I* have the intestinal fortitude for an Eddie Murphy vamp flick ...
B-Sol, the punchline is actually Jack's! I am merely the instrument of his evil and AWESOME design :)
@Darius: Is that movie about lesbians who hunt vampires? Or about hunters who exclusive target lesbian vampires? The mind boggles.
@B-Sol: the punchline was mine, but I am merely the "ideas man." Kate is the one with the actual artistic talent.
(And let it be know that I may be an ideas man, but most of my ideas are *terrible* and involve drinking expeditions to Brighton Beach.)
@Kate - I am dying to smoke, and cannot drink anymore, so I enable.
@Jack/Kate - I am not entirely sure who the lesbians are, but it looks like a very SotD affair. The star was on The Catherine Tate show, and the costar was with him on Gavin & Stacy... IMDb here.
So, Empress, are you going to watch TWILIGHT? You know, FOR SCIENCE? :P
Comment verification: "beled," which is of course an anagram for "bleed." Coincidence?
Someone needs to block your access to YouTube before you scar the rest of us for life!
I saw Dracula 3000 on cable. I also used to occasionally watch shows like Forever Knight and fly by night DTV movies like To Die For (not to be confused with the Nicole Kidman movie of the same name) and Embrace of the Vampire. So I'm an ordinary sinner. I AM recovering, though. I often express a desire to punch Anne Rice in the nose. Probably best that I never meet her.
Not to change the subject, but have you ever seen Meridian: Kiss of the Beast (Which has lots of nekkid Sherilyn Fenn)? I'm not entirely sure why I just thought of it, but there it is.
seen "Old Dracula" yet?...
Is the "Old Dracula" you are referring aka "Vampira" with David Niven and some scantily clad Playboy and Penthouse models from the mid-70s? If so, I am a victim/survivor of a screening of that one. Niven looked a lot more embarrased than he did by the streaker at the Oscars around the same time.
Here's another one for the vampire scrapheap: Son of Dracula with Harry Nilsson, Ringo Starr, Keith Moon, John Bonzo Bonham and Peter Frampton? I saw this once on a bootleg after looking for years (one of my friends growing up had the soundtrack album). It plays like one of those garage tapes I made with my bandmates when I was in high school after one too many bong hits. Yup, it must been a ton of fun to make, but when they got off the drink and smoke and actually looked at this in the light of day, well... I'm guessing Freddie Francis didn't put this one at the top of his resume.
Tdraicer says:
I found (to my surprise) that Eddie Murphey made a pretty convincing vamp in Vampire in Brooklyn, which is hardly a classic but not a bad horror-comedy (it actually works better as horror than comedy). But clearly this is a minority opinion.
Okay, so I finally remembered to watch "Vampires are Alive" outside the purview of my corporate overlords...
Wow. What country is this in? Whatever country, I think we can safely say that whatever fear the vampire had left, this effectively drained it all. They have officially jumped the zombie-shark.
Also, when a vampire gets a face-tatt, do you think it's a much more difficult/edgy decision than for a mere mortal? I mean, a human's gonna live with that thing for fifty, sixty years if they stay off the pipe, but a vamp is making a statement for ETERNITY.
In closing: wow.
Comment verification: "micating," which is close enough to "micturating" to make me ignore the difference.
Vicar, I'm still wondering if I can swing a "review copy" of the Twilgiht... erm... "sparkly adult novelty" FOR SCIENCE. As to DJ Bob--he's Swiss! "Vampires are Alive" was the 2007 Switzerland entry into the Eurovision song contest. He lost to Lordi (TOTAL robbery imho).
Doc M, don't click on this link to "Meat and Cheese" if you don't want further AWESOMELY HILARIOUS scarring:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F61tkhcEfE8
As to vampy TV, I lack the commitment to watch those shows, or I'd've been all over them as well! The only supernatural show I really got into was repeats of the original "Dark Shadows." Delicious cheese... mmmm... And no! I've yet to see "Meridien." But I'm getting so many great recs here that it's going on my list!!!
Prof G--not yet! But the title has me giggling already.
Fred, I'm sure Baron XIII wants to see this now, as he's a fan of Ringo's screen appearance in "Caveman" :)
Tdraicer, Murphy had GREAT comedy moments in his career, and you're right to point that out. I mean, c'mon--who doesn't love "Coming to America?" Maybe I'll give "Vampire in Brooklyn" a shot after all.
Wow, you have a much stronger stomach/gag reflex than I do. I could barely get through the vampyyyyre club scene in GOTHKILL without wanting to stab myself in the eyeballs with a spork.
RE: VAN HELSING - I maintain that the only reason Kate Beckinsale was in that film is because, like UNDERWORLD, she looks good in a corset. Despite also looking like she waltzed in from a gypsy fetish ball in another, modern-era, movie.
I do so love that video!!!
@Darius I caught some of "Lesbian Vampire Hunters" on a Virgin flight to London but I tapped out after a few scenes.
@Jack Citizen Ken is also a big fan of "Vampire in Brooklyn". Of course.
"Van Helsing" makes both me and Baby Jesus cry but at least (a) Universal released those nice box sets of the classic movies beforehand and (b) you created that awesome 'toon.
"Dracula 2000" enraged me so much I could not bring myself to see "Dracula 3000."
I just finished Season 2 of "Angel" and holy crap, is it bad. I'm watching the whole damn thing tough, I won't let it beat me. *shakes fist at sky*
The original Dark Shadows (while certainly not for the lactose intolerant) is awesome and I will fight anyone who says otherwise with sticks and knives. I was feeling bad about subjecting myself to Dracula the Dirty Old Man/Guess What Happened to Count Dracula, and I was just writing about the perverse joys of the works of Coleman Francis, but in comparison I'm getting off light. I don't know about anyone else, but I suspect a childhood spent having the most fleeting and arbitrary access to mind-damaging weirdness routed some synapses to deliver pleasure by squeezing the last drops of the uncanny out of whatever I could get my hands on, so that even now in the super-future where I actually have shelves full of Cat III HK bootlegs and obscure genius giallos I occasionally have to try and polish a mass-market turd just because it's there.
Finally, if there was a film called Gothic Vampires from Heck there's no army that could keep me from watching it. Funny how a slight alteration in spelling changes things.
Costuminatrix, I sometimes wonder if I'm a cinematic masochist...! As to Kate Beckinsdale, I really--REALLY--wish she had any screen presence whatsoever, because golly is she a fine-looking lady. I'd love for her to be a latter-day scream queen, but she's just not compelling once one gets past her comely appearance. Dangitall :/
Joan, godspeed and persevere in your vampy teevee quest! And I am happy to have provided a little bit of a silver lining to the "Van Helsing" experience. It was therapeutic for me :)
db--"Gothic Vampires from Heck" would totally earn MY ninety minutes as well. I once bought a t-shirt with the slogan "SATAN IS A POO-POO HEAD" (complete with the numbers of supporting Bible verses) simply because... dude--POO-POO HEAD? Reeeeealllllly...?
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