It's come to my attention that some of you are rather conflicted with regards to the relative fapworthiness of Tom Cruise's portrayal of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg in the upcoming WWII espionage film
"Valkyrie." As something of an expert on the matter of sexy-but-evil characters of a Third Reich nature, I've composed what I hope will be a helpful decision-making flowchart to guide you through this important self-abuse decision in a thoughtful and responsible manner.
To summarize--it's acceptable to fantasize to sticky completion over Tom Cruise's character in
"Valkyrie" because of the eyepatch. After some consideration, I've decided to rank the eyepatch above the fact that the actor in question is a Scientologist. Were it not for the eyepatch, wanking over this character would
not be permitted.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled Internet.
10 comments:
That's freakin' hilarious, Empress!
I was going to suggest that you put together a similar flowchart for *female* Nazi characters, but then I realized it would likely consist of two boxes and a straight line. ;)
Thank you! I can go on with my life now.
All I need to know is WWTKD.
Saw the trailer for this yesterday before the astoundingly awful (though completely entertaining) Punisher War Zone movie. Everything about it looked great visually, and then Cruise strolled across the screen and suddenly the integrity of the film seemed to groan. I actualy don't mind him in a lot of movies, but something like this definitely needed someone with a little more Euro-flair.
One can only imagine what kind of off the chart levels of faptitude Valkyrie could have achieved had it been made 30 years ago instead with say, Alain Delon in the lead.
Okay, so what about Angelina Jolie with an eyepatch? That has to be a yes, right?
Vicar--I think you're spot-on. That's an *easy* flowchart!
Mme. Arkham--you're welcome. I'm glad I could help clear up this baffling mystery!
Karswell--I'm pretty sure that would be a fapgasm of faptastic magnitude. Add in Udo Kier in a supporting role and... oh wait, I'm sorry, my head just exploded from SHEER FUCKING AWESOME.
Jack--I'm going to defer to the Vicar's proposed chart on that one. Which is to say: FUCKYES.
So, using this flow chart, we agree that it is okay to masturbate through most of the Ralph Fiennes scenes in Schindler's List.
Whew! That's a real load off my, um, back.
Ha! Now you've gone and given me a reason to see this.
I am curious about the film and I do like the way it looks. I've never been a Tom Cruise fan though, but he's gotten more interesting to me as an actor as he gets older and crazier.
As for the Scientology thing, it doesn't seem any weirder than any other religion to me so I'm always surprised when people are freaked out by it.
CRwM--absolutely! Just don't go getting het up over Gabriele Carrara in "SS Girls," cos that would be *weird*.
Kimberly--the trailer for this movie really does make it look like it's set-designed within an inch of its life, and I can't lie and say that's *not* appealing to me. I'll doubtless watch this at some point! I'm just going to make an extra effort to suspend disbelief for Mr. Cruise and *not* picture him jumping on Oprah's couch :S
Hey Kate. LOL That was so cool. I loved it! I've been wondering over whether or not to see this one. I've watched Tom in a lot of movies. I just don't see him as this character though.
Keith, I share your skepticism about the choice to cast Tom Cruise in this role. Still, this looks like a lushly-produced thriller that I'm sure to catch at some point. That two hours is pretty much already spent, I think!
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